Music: HIM - 'Gone With the Sin'
"I always postpone going to sleep. Accepting the end of the day is accepting another failure" Z's latest post.
It occurred to me that for all my railing against the world, all those times I've wished to curl up and sleep the whole thing away, I in fact, for the most part end up doing the very opposite. I loathe the whole process of going to sleep, the whole shutting down of everything, the strange feeling of finality, of giving up. Sure there I are times I am sitting about almost unconscious, and I know I should pick myself up and go to bed but I will not be defeated. That's what it feels like going to bed, defeated, like there is nothing left to be around for. Many nights I have struggled, watched the most horrendous things on TV with feigned interest, or babbled insanely to anyone who will listen, anything, anything but give up and lie there in the dark and wait to stop being aware. There are times it's just damn hard because you are a more comfortable person, more awake naturally in those hours and relish the silence and the emptyness of the place and the entire change of atmosphere, even smell that is darkness and night.