Annoyingly I'm awake after so few hours sleep but thoughts are a little less scattered. No, I refuse, I will not revert back to childhood coping mechanisims and throw a stubborn tantrum where food is concerened beause I had a bad day, that wasn't this person and I know I can't let health issues become bigger or more than they need to be because I panicked
Resolved and chastised by myself, I think I'm going to go back to bed at least untill sometime in the afternoon.
Awake and dealing with an old demon....... food. At one point I managed 51/2 stone and after dealings with doctors about an already existant condition which would consequently degrade my bone density and a newly discovered heart condition I was pulled into reality enough to wise up for a while. But why the initial concern about weight? At just under 5foot you can't afford the extra but tonight saw the return of an old situation, food, dinner that was offered made me emotionally and physically uncomfortable, it hurt, it made my stomach sore and me uncomfortable and I am notorious for backing away on and stopping anything that upsets me so i expect liquid to be a mjor part of intake for a while.....
Don't judge or chastise, not at least untill eating as made you feel so physically wrong.
I am tired in that all encompassing groggy, fuzzyheaded 'I am going to puke' way. Anyone else experienced that sheer level of exhaustion? There really isn't any reason for it either which is making me most annoyed with myself and I don't feel like doing anything, i've ignored the phone (sorry smokey boy, know you wanted to come over but it was too late anyway by the time I bothered checking the phone) most of the net, anything that has potential to bother me or make me feel crappier than I do. I'm rather fragile, sensitive and 'hissy fitty' at teh moment and feeling sorry for myself
Woke up this morning and I couldn't believe it! The world was covered in a beautiful white blanket which I discovered was pretty deep as I sank into it racing up the back garden in my pj's lol! to capture a little of it while it remains as it's starting to brighten up which no doubt will turn it into that hateful slushy grey, dirty mess.
I need a new cam, the only one I have at the moment has just got so bad and degenerated into grainy hopelessness! If anyone has any suggestions for a good basic webcam that won't fall apart or cost the earth leave a note in the comments thankies muchly
...Showered and up for some major pampering :) Woke up today actually liking myself, probably won't last the day as I have a major problem when it comes to the concept that I'm worthy of said pampering or care. But I'm on a mission to be nicer to myself and to be healthier in general, to somehow spur myself on to find the motivation I need to want to be outside in the world, to be confident and comfortable in this skin. I think this clarifys for me why I do this, this journal, the cam, not something anyone would expect from someone who claims such low self esteem really but it is cathartic. I read and I see fiestyness and humour along side the mundane and the moaning lol! and I like it, I look and I'm learning to live with the face. I'm truly getting to know both the inside and the out and it's a long process ongoing from June '01 and it's not likely there'll ever be that definitive moment when all slips into place and I find myself 100% content. Just able to 'live with comfortably' will do.
How come I feel I've set myself up for mission impossible lol! Back away from this post now it may self destruct in 5 seconds...
Sometimes the human race makes me ashamed to be among it's numbers, I have to wonder why so many of the intellectually challanged, scatologically obsessed and downright infantile end up online and gathering together in little pockets waiting to impart their 'wisdom' *snickers* and hatred and informing their little friends of their escapades so they can race to add some more, no doubt, 'informative' dialogue.
Do us a favour, give your computers to someone else and keep your beavis and butt-head moronity to yourselves. You bet this is how pissed I am having to delete crap, ban, go Membership only in regards to the forums and deny membership to the numerous halfwits who haven't a clue enough to know I already know who they are and where they come from. It's not the first time, and it probably won't be the last, but how the fuck is that level of idiot even managing to get itself online? Can't someone donate an Island we can send them all to where they can happilly tell each other how they 'so owned' so and so.. bah!!!!!
Had probably the longest chat in my entire yahoo messenger history lol! And I thoroughly enjoyed it, had such a much needed laugh and I can't believe I rambled on for over 4 hours lol! Why is this such a coup? I hate IM's I mean to an almost phobic point and if lucky yahoo might be opened for a very short period of time once every couple of months lol! Not quite sure why I have such an irrational dislike of using them but the amount of idiots that turn up as soon as you log on plays some part, and generally above and beyond that I tend to be concentrating on other things and find it hard to have numerous conversations going on while I'm immersed in something else that requires major brain usage. Anyway, yesterday I took the risk and logged on with no real intentions of or thoughts that I be on for any length of time, so thanks 'V' sweetie for reminding me that it can be fun and yeah, I'll try to do better *lmao*
On the news front (because it made me spit) Schwarzenegger I didn't really have anything against you, thought 'good on you' when you made Cali. Gov. So for shame... you bigot.
Especially very tiny and fast roborovskis', do not try to do so having consumed any ammount of alcohol, do not try to do so at 4.30am and do try not to let one loose in your room requiring the upturning of furniture and a half hour chase untill you corner it in a cupboard
Take my word for it *looks around the bombsite that was previously her bedroom*
I don't normally read or listen to news, especially local because quite frankly life sometimes offends me enough without seeing just what crappy cards it's dealing everyone else and hey, what can I do about it anyway? But something did catch my attention today, in fact you couldn't escape it. In one area, West Belfast, there have been 13 teenage suicides in the last 6 weeks and we aren't talking about a huge area here, that to me is horrifying, and perhaps the toll will continue to rise, the latest incident when a teenage guy just after the funeral of his best friend (who had also killed himself) decided to go the same way. I can't judge them, some may not have meant for things to go as far as they did, a simple cry for help, some were obviously too distraught to see or want any other option. What is going on there, what the fuck is happening that this has become such an "Iwant out of here" hotspot that they are taking such extreme measures to acomplish this goal?
Sometimes you wish you'd stayed in safe oblivion of the world around you...
Today NT(hell)L finally arrived and reconnected me, was going to go with BT but well it was just less hassle and less money in the end to stick with what we already had the set up for. Took quite a while to 'encourage' (and quite a lot of dissapointments and ntl deciding they had never heard of us on dates we were given that they didn't turn up on) the brother to settle his account and close it, which it turned out had to be done before they would consider issuing a new account to this house *rolls eyes*. They still managed to fuck it up anyway and once again 2 phone calls and pin numbers later I was taken through the manual installation, which was pretty hectic as the comp isn't in the house so I ran from phone in house to comp in room above garage and vice versa armed with required information untill finally TA DA!!!!! I am finally once again a paid up member of the cyber world :)
There really isn't much more to report in my absence, things seemed so on hold, static while I was offline, sad state of affairs really, and left without that one constant form of interaction depression and moroseness (gods is that even a word? lol!) set in. Funny now that it's back and and freely available there seems so much to get caught up up on and I feel so overwhelmed and 'out of the loop' a little. I'm also chronically tired, but perhaps that is due to a spate of nightmarish dreams, (more than I have had in a long time) broken sleep... My constant running nose and scratchy throat is also telling me I'm run down and have probably picked up the horrendous flu that sent my mum to bed for 3 days. I hope it doesn't hit me just as badly, really I couldn't deal with it and I'm already pissed at how badly I'm already feeling.
But........ I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! for those who actually noticed I wasn't around. Miss me much? ;) I think tomorrow I may feel better equiped and more able to get my head around dealing with everything that has been negleted for nigh on a month nearly *eep...*
