Tired
Music: Faster Pussycat - 'Jack The Bastard'

Yup, lethargy rules. Surprise surprise I had another look around the room yesterday and just wandered away, couldn't be bothered. It is all shiney and clean today though. I am such a damn hoarder, there is a box under the bed and a cupboard full of crap I don't need and wouldn't miss if it magickally dissapeared, but my brain it lies to me and deceives me, convincing me that as soon as I dare break the hoarder code of honour and remove the junk the junk God will be angered and arrange for me to need something that is in there in a life and death kinda way. One day I'm going to get a huge bin, take a deep breath and just throw it all in there. Then run and hide from the wrath of Junk God ahahahahaha!

Anyway, as mentioned my friend will be here in the morning, way too early in the morning, for a week so if there's a day here and there of quietness you'll know why. If you happen to care lol!

Should be doing other things...
Music: Whitesnake - 'Rough An' Ready'

Eeek! My friend is coming over from England to stay with me for about a week on Wednesday, I need to get this place fixed up *looks about*.... yup..... I really do. I had a fit and all the clothes I own are now all over the floor and over the chair because I just got fed up and swiped them off the shelves. Why? because everything was in a crumpled no folded mess and I'm determind to get everything back in all nice and neat. As for the rest it's just general disarray again. I also need to find a letter that has gone misssing, it's a hospital appointment, I don't remember just when it's for and need to make sure as I missed the previous 2 and I'm sure the nice doctor lady will have had her fill if I don't show up this time. Maybe I'll just phone, I have an MRI on the 8th so I'm pretty sure that they want to see how things are before that. Not loking forward to that, because I'm not really that sure of what goes on, and I hate that. Hospitals make me nervous to puking point. Hospital appointments that include stuff I don't quite understand means I'm going to be near a nervous breakdown.

Above and beyond all that I really, really need to get back into my parapsychology course, that has been unbelieveably neglected. I need to spend a good 2 or 3 days doing nothing else, switching off the 'puter' closing my door and not coming out untill I have at least got some way ahead. Speaking of that I have a book from the library that has been very helpful and In the mail this morning is a little reminder that it was due back a while ago *add to list* Oh! and my phone dear gods there hasn't been money in that thing forever, unfortunatly that I can't do anything about right now *see missing card, no money etc below* it will go on the list of *needs sorted* when that situation is rectified.

Anyway, maybe I should make a start *laughs*

Catsuit, Catsuit!!!
Music: Scuzz

Just for Kimmy ;) And now there is vodka to be partaking of in the house. Drowning my sorrows as my stupid switch card has gone missing meaning I have no access to money for possibly at least a week *gasp* because given that someone stitched me for about £600/£700 by forging my name last time they got hold of a card (that was unbelieveably cancelled at the time, or so I understood it be, but was informed later someone didn't do what they were suppossed to do and a theiving toe rag upon finding it tried her luck and went on a spending spree, not to mention I got to pay the interest owed on that becasue she cleaned out my overdraft too to amass that ammount, bitch) I cancelled it immediately upon finding that it seemed to be gone. It's probably still in the house, not like I've been anywhere but once bitten twice shy. Anyway *races off* I'll be back!

HEHE!
Music: HIM - 'Beautiful'

I have such odd dreams and last night was no exception. I was being greatly amused by repeated scenes of person falling off ladder with power drill, person landing on power drill which went through their head. Even odder was that it didn't even phase me or disturb me enough to wake me up in a nighmarish sweat, I was fascinated, wondering what it felt like. Anyway, that's probably distrubing enough for anyone who reads this (I am not a psycho, I am not a psycho) but the reason it came to mind just now was that I decided to curl up and watch a little TV, flicked about and came across 'World of Pain 2' on Bravo (just did nothing to dispell any 'you sadist' accusations there either lol!) and lo and behold the first story I see is luckly to be alive guy who fell off ladder holding power drill and ended up with it in his head.

*rocks* can't escape the drilling!!!!!!!!!

The OVC
Music: Slipknot - 'Duality'

(and if you don't know what that is, this isn't going to make much sense lol!) You have to love the drama, agendas', politics, the who's pissed at who now, the backstabbing and insanity. It's unavoidable really, you can't have a group of hyper sensitive, aware, empathic, neurotic, paranoid, passionate and extreme natured beings (including myself)without it. Though it's entertaining non the less I won't be going into any more about it. It's just general observation and anyway I try to keep this place personal and not involve all of that in this space. I know it seems to most that I'm not around or aloof when it comes to being 'seen' or active, spreading myself around, but I am always just quietly keeping up with things. Very occasionally in one or 2 places I might suddenly pop up and dissapear again but the simple fact is while I don't mind dealing with the same stuff, questions time and time again on my own turf so to speak, (I started it, I put myself there for the asking so really can't complain) even that can be tedious. I'm just not going to do that in numerous other places or I might well burn out, I'm slow and easilly distracted, it takes all my time to do the little I have to do around the foums and such. If something catches my interest elsewhere chances are you'll hear from me. Asides from that the insanity front also means I keep myself to myself, such things have been known to spill over and if your anyone from the OVC who has dealt with me before you know I don't 'do' the personal vendettas or inter board shennanigans. I'm only going to ask once for you to keep it where it belongs and away from the uninvolved ie. me and mine thank you lol! Well that's enough rambling, guess either you'll know what I'm talking about or you won't. Amazing what goes through your head in the shower eh? lol!

Speaking of the shower, it appears some invisable force removes my brain as I step in the bathroom, not only have I just previously almost washed my face with shampoo, but this morning I was exceptionally dozy, shampoo'd my hair, rinsed it, went to get the shower gel, the non brain function kicked in I forgot I had just washed it and proceeded to already have another handfull of shampoo in my hair before brain function returned for a moment and this strange deja vu feeling flooded over me. That room is just strange.

Bitch, bitch, bitch
Music: Jane's Addiction - 'Jane Says'

I have been overly bitchy, snappy today and it was fun. Absobloodylutely. Mostly it was awarded for sheer stupidity and I'm not going to feel bad about it. Somewhere along the line I seem to have convinced myself that I must seethe silently, that the polite, ever helpful face must be tightly fixed in place, I must be ever tactful, guarded lest I upset delicate sensitivities and actually in general I am just a nice person who wants to do those things, realises the importance of patience and understanding and not making rash offhand comments without a taking a deep breath first and really thinking about how I should respond. But dammit sometimes you just got to call a spade a spade, speak your mind without guilt or wanting to take it back because of what others might think. I have bad days, I have angry, depressed days and occasionally the mask wil slip and that's exactly who your going to get.

Well fucking arse to that...
Music: Fear Factory - 'Cyberwaste'

Meh, well the lil furry finally called it a day. Just found the poor thing and I guess it's a surprise and a credit to it that it held on a long as it did. I think I knew deep down It was a losing battle, a forgone conclusion. Well hopefully now it's going happilly about it's little hamsterish business not having to struggle any more to keep going and enjoying a neverending supply of sunflower seeds. Me? I'm going to wander about a little miffed for right now.

Quick update
Music: HIM - 'Funeral Of Hearts'

So, Sunday after almost a month lol! smokey boy turned up. Quite a surprise, gave me a bit of hassle about not responding to his numerous calls and texts. No money on phone (pay as you go)and no great motivation to fix that problem means your not going to hear from me *shrugs* Besides, I know all you are going to do is make use of my computer to trawl for porn and use my sink as an ashtray you goober. Only someone I've known 15 years could get away with that.

Today passed pretty well, ended up heading for my aunts in Newcastle for the day (another mum idea to 'get you out of the house'. She's becoming pretty good at this) It was so very, very sunny and hot and I was pretty uncomfortable as we were out and about quite a bit. Had some food in a little cafe and then had some fun in one of the amusement arcades (plentiful things in Necastle lol!) before heading back to my aunts house for a couple of drinks and finally heading home. I was pretty much done by then. Overly hot, sore eyed and determined it was time to leave.

On a really sweet note, had this comment left on myspace in regards to the lil sick furry which I had double posted there. (hey the lil dude can use all the extra good thoughts it can get!):

'Such a huge heart in such a tiny package. :)That goes for both subjects in the photo.'

Just found that so touching :) And now, time to close this thing down as it's gone after 3am and I feel likemaking an attempt at sleep.

*Burp*
music: None

Yup, that is what I have been doing all morning lol!!! I have the baddest case of indigestion ever... heeeeeeeelp! I may explode or something. *note to self* remember that apples give you indigestion and you don't eat them, so copious ammounts of cider will have the same result.

Well, wow, last night was so good, it was so nice out that the 3 of us were able to sit outside in the garden and goof off untill pretty late. I think the bro has struck it good this time, his latest love is Australian, from Brisbane, and just too cute and so funny we just crack each other up lol! Lets hope he manages not to be an ass and mess it up. The night was actually a bit of a surprise, bro and the girl were meant to going camping but on his way home from work in his brand new Audi A3 boy wonder and a BMW had a bit of a fight. The front of the Audi is smushed and the BMW couldn't even be driven away from the scene. Needless to say that is why the camping was put off and we ended up very drunk as he decided to go get lots of alcoholic beverages for us and sit and chill. Obviously no-one gives a shit about the car and he's fine so that's what really matters.

hehe!
Music: The Distillers - 'city of Angels'

Me so drunk, if your not sad for you lol! Having a great time with my bro and his love, really it has been a good night, my cheecks are sore from laughing. This is good :)

Quoteness
Music: Pearl Jam - 'Jeremy'

Life is NOT a journey to the grave with the goal of arriving safely in a prettily preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways in a shower of gravel and party shards, thoroughly used, utterly exhausted, and loudly proclaiming: "Fuck ME, that was BRILLIANT!" (found)

Funny suff lol! I want to skid in sideways exhausted and wrecked proclaiming "Fuck ME, that was BRILLIANT!" Gonna have to start working on that before all I can do is whimper in proclaiming "Thank fuck that's done with" *laughs*

Sick, eugh...
Music: silence

Today hasn't been too good, I have enjoyed the pleasure of on and off horrendous dizziness and that horrible feeling that you are just about to puke everywhere so, yeah thank gods it wasn't constant. Just knocked me for six at times so I still managed to get on with generally doing what I wanted. Still, I feel just a litte 'off' guess I have the last couple of days. Blah..

Now I am going to bring down my stress levels and relax myself a little by curling up and watching my cute hammy dudes who got a new plastic toy and are ahving a ball weeeeeeee! Just how easilly distracted and amused am I lol! It's a good thing really.

Not again!
Music: None, head hurts

Yup my eyes are killing me, and my head is exploding, it just suddenly decided to hit me gah!!!! So when my phone just went off, because it was close enough to pick up, I grimaced and answered. Kind of glad I did, I love to hear where my Doppelganger will appear next lol! Though I'll admit there hasn't been a sighting in a while but I always get informed.

This started waaaaaay back when I was just a kid in school people would keep coming up, strangers, and try to continue conversations or make remarks on conversations they had had with 'me' Then I would find myself barred from places I hadn't been to before for this persons behaviour, it's like some sort of evil me I guess lol! Which actually is quite annoying. Then she turned up in Australia, leaving me to deal with an irate air steward who could not understand why I would not talk to him, or why I was denying having spoken to him! I moved to England where once again I was subjected to whisperings as I passed people by 'oh yeah, that's here that did so and so' NO IT FUCKING WASN'T you loonys! On another occasion on my way home from work I was accosted in the street about being in the paper 'it is you!' 'no, really it is not' 'and you like football' (or something to that effect, could ahve been an article about football for all know) they mentioned football anyway lol.) 'no, I fucking hate football' *continues walking* (hard to remember exact convo's but that's about the gist of it)

On to today, anyway was my friend from England (in a whole other area from where I lived) on the phone to inform me that her boss who I know and have met on a few occassions saw 'me' again today in a shop but didn't have a chance to speak and he came back asking her why she hadn't told him I was over! Of course she informed him that no it can't be me and got on the phone right away because she knows the whole story. All I could think of was 'what! you mean like had the piercings and everything?!!! this is just too much!!!' but she didn't know right then. Too bizarre. Um.... stay in England please, maybe I won't find myself worried about going out and already being in toruble before I've ever been where I'm going.

Now for painkillers.......

Another day...
Music: Cinderella - 'Gypsy Road'

Just out of the shower, felt really good and seems to have livened me up a bit though I did manage to almost shampoo my face. In my just awake stupor I forgot that I had already used the facewash and so I determined that what I seemed to have poured into my hand just had to be the aforementioned facewash. Thankfully, just about to rub it into my face I had a sudden flash of clarity and and thought 'wow, that shampoo isn't it not really noted in most face cleaning regimes' and it manged to be applied where it was meant to be lol!


I have just seen the ickle furry guy (see below) it's still wobbling, kind of bobbling up and down with the effort to breathe but s/he was inside the food bowl fiercly determined to scoff as much as it could. Got to be good right? And now I think I'll wander off and go in search for some food of my own.

*scratces head*
Music: Motley Crue - 'Welcome To The Numb'

Is it possible to be so enraged, so wound up that you are in dire need of breaking someone, anyone in to itty bitty pieces with a grin but yet at the same time be so lethargic and complacent about everything that you'd think 'fuck it' why waste the energy, you just wouldn't care enough to really be bothered even if someone with a death wish offered their services as your personal punching bag? Two very wierd things/feelings in co-existance making for a fun party in my head as I veer from one to another. Just sheer frustration at everything I guess just churning away, squeezing me but as above I fear I lack the will or care to do anything about at this moment.

Random thought for today

meh...... *sigh*
Music: Ginger Snaps soundtrack

So my poor ickle hamster runt, the one that never grew, stayed so tiny (and they are already so tiny) but had the courage of a billion hammies isn't looking so hot, it's possible if it doesn't pick up or get any better that it's just may die on me, in fact I thought it was going to do just that right in my hand last night, it's breathing is so bad and it all seems such an effort for it to keep going. But I got up, checked and s/he's still there. I know they don't have the longest lifespans anyway, but meh........ it just sucks and I feel so bad for it. The soft spot in my heart for my furry critters was all the more softer for this little fighter. I will be beyond upset to lose the silly being. Yup, aren't I too pathetically wussy for words.

So true
Music: HIM - 'Gone With the Sin'

"I always postpone going to sleep. Accepting the end of the day is accepting another failure" Z's latest post.

It occurred to me that for all my railing against the world, all those times I've wished to curl up and sleep the whole thing away, I in fact, for the most part end up doing the very opposite. I loathe the whole process of going to sleep, the whole shutting down of everything, the strange feeling of finality, of giving up. Sure there I are times I am sitting about almost unconscious, and I know I should pick myself up and go to bed but I will not be defeated. That's what it feels like going to bed, defeated, like there is nothing left to be around for. Many nights I have struggled, watched the most horrendous things on TV with feigned interest, or babbled insanely to anyone who will listen, anything, anything but give up and lie there in the dark and wait to stop being aware. There are times it's just damn hard because you are a more comfortable person, more awake naturally in those hours and relish the silence and the emptyness of the place and the entire change of atmosphere, even smell that is darkness and night.

Utterly despondant
Music: Marilyn Manson - 'Fight Song'

Today, I hate everything, the world, it's plague of humanity and it's rush toward self destruction and myself even more. It's just one of many of those days, no particular reason.

Ouch...
Music: Kelly Osbourne - 'Shut Up'

It's too early, not only should I not be awake but definately not sitting here, but I am in a small ammount of pain so I thought I'd share and spare anyone else the same agony. Do not, ever, go to sleep with an externally threaded curved barbell in your face. This morning I woke up and just felt something wasn't right, at some point one of the balls had worked itself loose resulting in the end of the ring going inside the piercing and the front almost closing up. I had to practically repierce it pushing the labret jewellery through and damn it hurts.

Now I think I want to go back to bed.

Life...
Music: Marilyn manson - 'Slutgarden'

Life is weird. I felt like being healthy and taking myself off for a walk. I am suppossed to do this, an hours fast walking each day to help make my fuck up excuse for bones stronger, along side the myriad of medication. But here's the thing, in my area, there is now a spate of assaults on young women out on their own, robbing them mostly., so fuck no am I going out walking by myself right now, so that means my health suffers. Fuck you, burn in hell, die! Well, actually I probably don't need much incentive to avoid any form of exercise lol!

We love this guy
The Darkness - 'Get Your hands off My Woman'

I lurked for forever, Matt is the kind of dude I'd like to know, yup, very funny guy. Nothing beats humor :D I remember reading the 'articles'. They aren't there right now but I laughed my ass off!

Blah, blah, blah
Music: Dogs D'amour - 'How Could Anyone Fall For a Drunk Like Me'

Well, I'm stil alive, my living space is once again livable in as I had a bit of a spurt of energy yesterday and decided to clean up. The place stinks though, who knew hamsters could stink so bad?!!! (or maybe it's just my sensitive little nose) but I'm too nervous to clean them out properly, I want to give the baby hammys' as much of a chance as possible before I disturb the adults that much again. Still haven't seen them, but can still hear them somewhere in there unless I have truly let go of my sanity and the little noises are all in my head (don't even think about it people! lol!)

Take note this is the kind of ramble that happens when you have no life *laughs* Anyway, laundry time again. On a very good signing off note my best friend who went to Australia this time last year is home, we talked last night WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! Though she is in Fermanagh *sob* so we won't see each other that often still, she just hates this town and moved there before she left with her familly. Hopefully I will persuede her to get her ass up here even for a weekend soon, or I will endeavour to get myself down there either way we have so much to get caught up on!!!! :D

*giggles*
Music: Blink 182 - 'Miss You'

You shall be hence forth known to all your fans as:

Aria Kleevage

find your porn name

Haha! I think that one's a keeper